Glamouria - I Always Hated France, Never Knew the Why?! By Hayat Ammouri

The Story of Every Lebanese Family...

I always thought it was because I had to leave Beirut and my mom and go there with my brothers during the Israeli invasion of Lebanon. I spent a year there at school with my aunt who is to me like my mom and one of my favourite people on earth. Still I was not convinced.... Why do I hate France?

During that year spent in France, I was very sad to leave my mom and my best friends.. Hania maybe the most... I started to stutter.. and when school was done I wanted to go back home (Still went there in the summers and had the best time..)

This morning, watching Macron in the streets of Beirut, I was laughing! We should adopt him, he would be so happy in Lebanon. Then I thought of France again. Yes, I don’t like it… but it’s the country that took my brothers into its arms, and now my parents. My brothers had decided to stay. They were kids. They were maybe 15! I can not even imagine the pain and the hardship they went through. All of a sudden, I am sobbing! I am just realizing why I don’t like France…. France took my brothers away! I remember how I always worried about them. Always! I imagined the worst scenarios… I remember I worried they would get into drugs, or any other stupid thought…

My brothers turned out to be wonderful men! Real men! Honest men. Hardworking men. Loving men. Responsible men. Not perfect, because no one is perfect. These 2 boys went to France when they were in their early teenage years. They went through it all, alone but together. I can’t imagine the pain. The pain they went through… The pain my parents went through… The pain of every.single.lebanese.family! مشرّدين

Our children are growing up with no family around them. No cousins, no aunts, no uncles, no grandparents cheering for them every day!

The memories I have of my brothers when we were children are not many, but the sweetest one is the 3 of us sleeping in my room, on the floor (I think when there were bombardments we would sleep on the floor because it was safer.. I don’t remember…)- and we would hold hands and sleep… I don’t know if they remember that. 

I love my brothers… but there was always something… I think a block…  Sadness on my side wondering do we really know each other? Then we are together during the summers, I get to discover them… ohhh we like the same “akleh” (dish)… This alone makes me feel closer and more connected to them.

I am proud of my brothers. Proud of their courage and how brave they are. Spending more time with them the past summer inspired me to be “more brave”… It reminded me of who I am really deep down. If they made it I will make it too! And I have their support. It’s such a  beautiful feeling to have brothers who have your back (because unfortunately, I never had a man who has my back or a man who supported me)…. I want to love them, hug them and I want them to know how much I love them and I love their families and children ♥️♥️♥️ I also never laugh the way I do when we are all together (and yes of course we fight a lot!!)

I have never realized until today how this life event has affected me, and I can not imagine how it has affected them and my parents... And of course, this is every Lebanese family. Don't underestimate the trauma we went through as kids, and take time to understand and process and feel your feelings... 

Love, Always...

Hayat