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She’s my other half… We did everything together, and know everything about each other…I always imagined her with a blonde little girl, but it never happened. Today, on Adoption Day, this dear mother shares with us her experience with pregnancies, miscarriages and adoption.
I got married when I was 39, and I was pregnant right after our marriage. Everything was fine until the fourth month. I went to the hospital for some regular exams, only to find out that this was not the case. On the 4th month, I had to give up my baby because of some deformation. The heartbeat was normal, but the baby had short ribs and some other deformations. That day, I stayed at the hospital and my husband had to go get my stuff from home. We lost our baby. We did all sorts of exams, and we gave permission to test genes and DNA to try to understand the cause, but doctors could not find anything. That day also, we were not sure what to do, whether to give our baby away for science or to burry him, and yes, it was a boy…
For the next four years, I went through 3 pregnancies. With every pregnancy, I had to take vitamins, hormones, injections, and be treated as if we were having an IVF pregnancy. Each time, it was over before 8 weeks were completed. No heartbeat. I did not hear the heartbeat at all. Hormones test were normal, development was normal, but then no heartbeat. I had to go through a lot of exams, scans, you name it! Scans for uterus and everything around it. Everything seemed normal, except for the pregnancies.
We even decided to go through IVF, although my doctors said that my case does not require it. It’s not an easy procedure, nor physically nor mentally. A lot of injections, everything must be on time…It was all working properly, but pregnancies also did not last for more than 8 weeks. I remember there was a gel that they had to inject in my veins. My immunity was a little high but within normal levels, and they thought maybe that was a reason to losing the baby. This gel was supposed to lower it, but still it didn’t work.
After 7 pregnancies, I decided to stop! I was 44! This put a lot of strain on our relationship and on my body. Everything had to be calculated, you feel as if you’re on a military mission. I was still going through a lot of exams, and my husband did all kind of tests as to sperm count and spermograms and all results were fine. We had a regular unprotected relationship, but I did not get pregnant.
To be honest, through all these years, I knew that this all is was not going to work. There were other ways to having babies, such as tube babies or surrogate mothers, but we did not feel comfortable. Adoption on the other hand was always on our mind. 2 years later, out of nowhere, I got a phone call asking me how serious I was about adoption. So of course, I said yes.
We were told there was a boy waiting to be adopted. We preferred a baby girl, although baby boys are more popular in the Arab countries, but we still went to meet him. When we were there, they told us there was also a baby girl. The first time we met her, we saw our angel. I had no reaction. My husband turned all red, with tears, but he didn’t cry. She had the most beautiful charming smile. Every time we went to see her she was happy. She is positive. She is a fighter. Everyone is in love with her. Not because she is very beautiful, but it’s the way she looks at you and her smile. She just knows how to make you fall in love with her!
There is a day I will never forget. She was allowed to spend the day with me. I took her to the beach, she was so excited. It was the first time she sees the beach. I told her to smell the beach air.. A day I will never forget. Before the papers were ready. She was about 5 or 6 months old.
You have to know adoption in the Middle East is still a taboo. There are a lot of restrictions. We had to go through all the procedures, to see if we are fit to be parent, mentally, physically and financially. We were so lucky, it took us only 9 months!
After 9 months of investigations, the baby did not have any traces to her parents. If there were any doubts about who the parents of the baby are, we would not have been able to have her. We also did all the physical tests including DNA to see if she carries any illnesses, but she was clear.
When we went to get her…
A mother gets pregnant first. She usually has 9 months to get ready for the baby, and to prepare her room. When we got the call about adoption and started the process, we were moving to another country. I had to call to delay getting her for 1 day, to buy all the baby necessities, wash the new clothes and get all ready for her arrival. From milk supply to baby seat… They gave me her routine, and I tried to follow it so nothing would change for her. On the other hand, I knew my whole life has changed; our life was not the same anymore. Even going to the bathroom was so strange! I didn’t realize in the beginning what was happening. I followed the same routine. The first night she did not stop crying. I stayed with her dad by her side till she slept. When she woke up the next day, she was smiling and hugging us all day long, and still does! She’s a happy baby. She doesn’t cry, and she sleeps for the whole night.
How did she change your routine on a daily basis?
Hahahaha… I am a party girl who was used to going out, with my husband or my girlfriends. But my life has completely changed. I am not someone who used to stay at home, but this is who I am today. No more social life, no couple life… I had to say goodbye to all of that, but I am very happy. I don’t feel the urgency to go out leaving my baby with a nanny just to go out… We only want to be with her.
We go out as a family, all together. We go to the park, we go swimming. I rarely drive my car anymore… I just walk with her everywhere. And I schedule doctor appointments when he can come with us. We get organized.
Sometimes, I go out once a month with my girlfriends and my husband stays with her, and I try to give him his space too, so he still plays golf when he can.
How is your husband doing?
He is mister yes, and I am Mrs. no. They have a love relationship! All his stress is gone when he sees her after work! He just hugs her and he’s good.
What were the reactions of poplin your life?
Our families with no exception, on both sides, welcomed her very happily, crying tears of joy. My dad is Middle Eastern, he was worried of course… My sisters were crazy about her right away. All my husband’s parents came to visit and meet her.
All my friends were so welcoming also, with some single ones asking me if I were sure I made the right decision. I saw friends that I had not seen for a while, all coming to meet her!
What are the obstacles you encountered?
Paper work. In our countries, you can be “in charge” of the baby. You can be the legal custodian but not the legal parent. This for me is nonsense. It creates a lot of complications. On an adopted child papers, they have to put “false” names as parents, but not the names of the adoptive parents. I insisted for them to write (pseudonym) after the fake parents’ name they gave her on her legal documents. Adoption should be full since day one, with our names as her parents. When you want to travel with her, you need her parents’ consent! If I want to get a visa for her, it’s very complicated…. All legal matters are a problem for as long as she is a minor. Legal papers are always complicated. Imagine if we’re traveling, and I have to be asked questions, with papers, and everyone around us is hearing the conversation. This is nonsense.
Are you going to tell her she’s adopted?
We will tell her that “we are in charge of her” as are the laws in the Middle East. When you adopt you become the legal custodian, not the parent.
We now live in Europe where you see all kind of families, and this makes it a lot easier on us. It’s a modern country that respects a person for who he/she is, no questions asked about where he/she comes from.
I feel that I care a lot for her, more than I would care for my own daughter. We will always talk to professionals to help us with what’s the best way to tell her and when to start gradually. We plan on telling her when she is still a child. She will grow up knowing she’s adopted. Not sure about the details and how but we will check with professionals for the best ways.
Tell us about her so far…….
She is a very happy girl. She never nags, never complains, rarely cries, even when she is sick… She’s very strong! She asks for what she wants, she’s independent. I took her to preschool, she never cried. She knows how to win you over with a smile. Her sweetness is her strength.
What are your plans as a family?
A normal real family life. Adapt our lives according to her needs and enjoy each moment, and be present, for as long as it lasts.
What are you scared of?
Anything that any mom would be scared of, like accidents or anything bad that could happen to her. I am also scared if anything happens to us, the parents. If anything happens to me, my husband would not have access to our country’s procedures, and if anything happens to him, she will not get her European documents. We really need all paperwork to be done to secure her future. We need full adoption papers to simplify our life. We need to all have the same nationality, same names…
Would it be scary the day she turns 18?
No. I have the worries every other mother has. I think it all depends on how we bring her up, not on age. I will raise her the same way we were raised. She might say “you’re not my mom” and rebel even when she’s 15. When she’s 18, she can look for her parents, because she would be independent and in charge of her decisions.
They say you can't love a child as much as a baby from your own flesh and blood. What do you say?
I don’t have a baby from my own flesh and blood, but I would say I am worried and take care of her at least as much as I would for any baby. When I hold her hand, or when I feed her… I know for sure if I get pregnant today, I will not be able to love him/her more, because I am giving everything to my baby anyway. If I get pregnant one day and I have a baby, I am sure they will be the same!
My husband says he loves her more than he would love a daughter. She came to us out of nowhere…. Unpredictable.
Last words...
Adopt a child if you can, even if you have children. By adopting a child, you give him/her a family, love, a normal life. Imagine the difference you would make in the world!
STORY TO BE CONTINUED AND MORE IMAGES TO BE SHARED WHEN ALL LEGAL DOCUMENTS ARE DONE.
